Family Values Matter
From a young age, I became an observer of life and people, especially families. Seeing people interact is interesting to me. Learning the reasons people do what they do is fascinating to me. Understanding how individuals engage with the people they love most is captivating to me.
So it makes sense that in an effort to understand family dynamics, I look for patterns and answers to strengthen families. Values is one of those answers to my ongoing question and drive to keep families unified. It is my hope that more families will be strengthened by first stating their family values, then communicating them and living them out.
It is estimated that 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. According to a Google search, in 2021 the divorce rates for most states are decreasing. However, the impact on people when any division happens is significant and unquantifiable. Either you or someone you know has suffered from the break up of families because of divorce. Each individual in the family and on the periphery is affected, even when the divorce is amicable. Multiple generations are changed by divorce.
It would be overstating it to say that families who have values don’t divide. But families who do the work to live out their values have a better chance of surviving (and ultimately thriving). It certainly can’t hurt. If you are still reading, you likely agree and want to do your part by creating family values and communicating more deeply to strengthen your family.
What are values?
Let’s start with defining values. One internet source defines values as a person’s principles or standards of behavior and judgment of what is important in life. A value is something that is meaningful to you.
Humans are created and exist for a specific purpose in the world. You know this because there are certain things that are critically important to you. In living your life, you have discovered what matters to you is not always the same (or same level) of what matters to others. What those things are has been true of you from birth. The environment you grew up in nurtured those things, exaggerated them, and brought them more to the forefront. Those things are your values.
Discovering Your Individual Values
Before establishing your family values, a good first step is to identify your individual or personal values. Your values already exist inside of you, but taking some time to be still and reflect will help you clarify what they are.
One way is to look back at your life at the times where you feel most fulfilled, where time goes by quickly. You know it when you look up and think “Wow, I can’t believe that was four hours.” What were you doing? What was the root reason and motivation for what you were doing? These are clues to the true meaning behind your actions and that meaning points you to your values.
For example I could be having coffee with a friend and talking about sports or the weather or anything that is small talk and be aware of the clock or aware of the next item on my agenda. Or I could be having coffee with a friend and talking about the meaning of life, the best book we recently read, or a story that is being shared about an important moment in that person’s life. Those deep conversations are satisfying and meaningful to me and they point me to my core values of relationship (not simply talking). Same action of having coffee but thinking about the type of conversation gets me to my motivation and to my values.
A second way to identify your values is to think about what makes you angry or frustrated. Delving into that deeply and asking yourself questions to get to the root of what causes a visceral reaction in you will help you see what you care about.
For example, adultery angers me. There are many reasons why. But when I explore it deeply it is because of the way it shatters a person who has been cheated on. Their sense of themselves, their worth, their past, and their future are destroyed. Everything they knew to be true has been altered. The collateral damage to families and communities is significant. The cost is too high. So my anger at adultery led me to see that I value family, relationship, and purpose. I never want to see those things destroyed in a human by another human.
A third way to identify your values is a value statement exercise I do with Coaching with Karla clients. There are countless words and ways to identify values. In the value statement exercise the client starts with 180 different values and the list is not exhaustive. Each of those values are important for the world's function, but each person does not exhibit 100% of those values. The idea behind the exercise is to determine and affirm which of the core values belong to you, the individual. This knowledge is helpful in making decisions, recognizing discontent, and pursuing purpose and joy. I like to tell my clients your values and value statement won’t tell you what to do, but they will tell you why what you’re doing isn’t working for you. Pursuing activities, relationships, and work that is in alignment with your values leads to a richer and more meaningful experience of your life.
What fulfills you? What makes time go by quickly? What is meaningful to you? What angers and frustrates you? Which of the list of 180 values are your core values? You can let the answers lead you to your personal core values - what matters most to you. Or participate in coaching with me to discover your personal values if this is something that you haven’t done yet or feel stalled in doing now.
Stating Your Family Values
A family is made up of a few or several individuals who are uniquely created with their own personal values. So creating a list of family values can often come after individual values are discovered. Even if you haven’t yet discovered your personal values, you can still come up with your family values. They just may be more general than if you do the individual values first.
If you have discovered the values of each individual then coming together for a family meeting and sharing your individual values is a good starting point.
Grab a whiteboard or a large piece of paper or chalk out on the sidewalk. You choose based on your family culture.
Identify all of your individual values and then have a conversation about which ones are common to the family. Take your individual core values which will be 3 to 5 for each person and narrow them down so you have 3 to 5 for your family.
Once you have those core values identified for your family, step back and look at them together. Talk about examples or evidence of how you exhibit those values already. Write down the evidence that you discuss.
Then talk about the future. What are some ways, activities, projects, trips, community involvement, education, finances, etc. that you can continue to pursue to live out the 3-5 core values that you have determined are your family values? This is important because two families may have the same values listed but will exhibit those and express those values in different ways. The culture and tone of your own family are important and you want to capture both in this conversation. Be sure to take input from all of the family members. It could be tempting for the adults to overpower the conversation. Or in some families maybe the children take over. Try to balance the inputs and results so that all voices are heard.
Your family values say something specific about your family. The family values that you identify are not the same as traditional values, morals, and beliefs, which are more rule based. Think of your family values as the umbrella covering the rest. They guide your decisions, future plans, and priorities.
Traditional Values and Morals
You can have traditional values, morals, ethics, and beliefs, in addition to your family values.
Traditional family values are generally thought of as those conservative attributes that help a family to function and strengthen communities and society at large. Often traditional values and morals are used or spoken of as beliefs or ethics. Traditional family values cover social, moral, religious, economic and political principles.
Morals is a term that is used less frequently than in generations past. Morals are concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character. Another definition of moral is the holding or manifesting of high principles for proper contact.
Some examples of traditional values, morals, ethics, and beliefs are faith, honesty, truth and fidelity, character, integrity, and justice. Not stealing, basic courtesy, keeping your word, and doing your duty are more examples. As are having respect for elders, being dependable, having honor, and integrity, and moderation in all things. Work hard, honor people, and be fair are more examples of traditional family values (morals or beliefs or ethics).
In general, these traditional values guide your societal behaviors and will be true for most (or all) of society. Whether you do this “values” exercise or not, your family stands for something. Lineup 100 families and ask them what their family stood for and with a little bit of reflection they could tell you even decades later. The unspoken ethics and beliefs of your family will be passed down to your children and to future generations.
But the unspoken traditional values, morals, ethics, and beliefs are different from the family values you are claiming. The family values you are identifying get to the core purpose and role of YOUR family in the world. These are specific to how you engage with people and the work you do to make a difference. So I recommend spending time to identify them so you can nurture deeper communication.
Communicate More Deeply
Creating your family values list fosters deeper connections and more intention to communicate and shape the culture within your family.
A good goal is to discuss your values regularly - formally and informally. On The Commons with Karla podcast episode 27, we talk about our quarterly family meetings and our family values. This is a formal way we discuss our values, celebrate our wins, and talk about the future. This is one deep and meaningful way we communicate. Most of the time it just comes up informally in conversation. Praising someone for living our values or talking about our plans and how they connect to our values.
Because everyone in the value knows the values, we can use shortcuts.
As our daughter leaves the house for whatever adventure she is off to do, we can say “Remember who you are and what you stand for” and she will know exactly what that means because we have previously and regularly stated our family core values.
You can do the same thing in your family. Shortcuts like the statement we tell our daughter or like reminding your child of your family name and what that means help unify and instruct. Our last name is OSORNO so I can also say to my daughter “You are an OSORNO” and she will know what that means. Do you know all the things that that means for your family? You can do the same by inserting your own name (although if you wanna come join our family, you are welcome). Having family values identified and communicated will further this meaning for you and your children.
You may think that you have specific family beliefs and that your child knows exactly what those are. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t. Stating your beliefs as part of your values can help to clarify any misunderstandings.
Children are watching us. When we were children we probably misinterpreted messages. Or by not directly communicating our values, we can deliver a message that we don’t intend. For example, let's say that one of our stated values is honesty when we do this exercise. But our child has watched us daily read a newspaper that we boasted to the neighbors we don’t pay for. This disconnect can be a topic of discussion because to us not paying for the newspaper because of a clerical error might be acceptable to a child and their black-and-white thinking that is dishonest and against the family value of honesty.
Please don’t hear me say that you have to be perfect. What I am saying is that if honesty is a family value bringing this to attention can be helpful for the entire family. Because defining what honesty means and what it looks like clarifies the vision and shapes thoughts and behaviors.
Unique to Your Family
Many cultures and families have traditional values. The expression of those is unique to individual people and to individual families which is why creating your family values is helpful.
There are traditional values that most families would say they hold dear to their hearts. “Family” probably tops the list. Faith may be included. Health may be up there. Each of these traditional values have merit and may make it to your list.
Be creative and be specific about how those show up. As an example instead of family maybe you identify adventure. To your family adventure may be how you express time together as a family or service might be how you relate as a family or connection might be the word that you use for your values instead of families. In your mind connection applies to your time together as a family and also to connecting to the wider family friends that you’ve brought in or your church or community and so connection may be more descriptive than family. Consider teamwork, social justice, commitment, friendship, integrity, beauty, entertainment, contribution, or community. The expression of family by any of these values may be a better fit for your family. You want the value to bring a picture to mind for each member of your family.
Another example is instead of health you could identify wholeness or well-being or vitality or strength or experiences or fitness. All of these values are descriptors and require attention to health.
Thanks for reading to the end. You have lots of information that you can now use to create your family values. You can use this quick recap of the steps to share with your family as you work together. Thank you for being intentional and for making the investment in your family. Together we will strengthen families - one action and one family at a time.
Steps for you to create your family values
Identify individual values
Make a list of each person’s values
Discuss each person’s individual values
Determine as a family which 3 to 5 values you have in common
Write down evidence of how you have exhibited those values in the past
Make a list of ways you would like to exhibit those values in the future
Review your family values confirming that all voices have been heard
Your family matters. What you value has purpose and significance. You have affirmed your family values and now it is time to communicate them to each other regularly and live them out. This will happen in informal and formal ways. Remind one another when you see drifting. Celebrate one another when you see evidence in action. Enjoy the unity and strength that comes from your efforts. Cheering you and your family on!
