Let’s Talk About Friendship
Talking about friendship is not the same thing as making friends. That's what one of my friends said to me recently. I haven't stopped thinking about it. She is not wrong. And she is not right.
The significance of friendship to a fulfilling life cannot be overstated. In a way, to distill making friends into a step by step list or into a recipe cheapens friendship. Although it is possible to describe the process of how one friendship develops, it will only be one friendship. Describing a different friendship would be like following a different recipe. Not that this has happened to me (ha!), but it would be like following the recipe for my husband's mom's chicken dish to a tee, only to learn that it doesn't taste at all like hers. Just like the recipe for chicken dish (turning out different with two different chefs and lots of variables), you can follow a recipe for making friends to a tee and still not get the resulting friendship. Genuine friendship happens in so many different ways, most often with or without our knowledge and intervention. But rarely without intention.
So should we just wait and hope for friendship? What if you are feeling like you lack friendship? What if you are in a friendship drought? Are there some steps you could take that would result in new friendships? Is there a recipe that could put you in the right place with the right mindset to change your friendship situation? Can we distill it down in a way that helps you make friends?
I am sure I don’t have to tell you that we are in the middle of pandemic times causing division and isolation, further creating circumstances that separate us. The current situation makes this the perfect time to talk about friendship. I hear from many people whose friendships look different than they have in the past. This makes sense given the circumstances in our world today.
Friendship in ancient times versus now
What is going on in the world has always had an impact on friendships and how they are formed. Consider that in ancient times survival was the priority each day. The need to hunt for food meant men were gone for long periods of time to get provisions. Women stayed in communities caring for children and home. Naturally, this led to friendships with the same gender because of proximity and need for one another. Spending time together created the perfect environment for getting to know each other and for depending on one another, leading to friendships. For the men, safety, adventure, and camaraderie led to deep connections. For the women, conversations and sharing of responsibilities led to deep connection. Sleeping beside one another, working together, and living communally forced people to engage with one another. They needed each other desperately to survive.
Contrast that with today when we have decentralized living arrangements and less desperation for basic needs to be met. Even in pre-pandemic times, people experienced more insolation than in times past. With communal living, friendships can happen without much management or manufacturing of time together. Decentralization makes that harder. Now we have to leave our house and travel to people. When you don’t live in a village it takes more planning to get together with people you want to get to know or people you are already friends with. Geographically we don’t always live in the town we grew up in so friendships that we made when we were younger in life are lost to geography and complex logistics. All of these are considerations to how friendship has changed historically and show how circumstances of the world affect how friendships are made.
Story of a Friendship
This is to say give yourself a break if you’re struggling with friendships. And press in knowing the historical differences and knowing that you may have to be more intentional than your ancient ancestors.
Even given the limitations, let's use story and the stages of friendship to talk about friendship and to encourage you to be intentional about making friends. I will tell you a story about one of my friendships and how it came to be. In this illustration you can see an example of the stages of friendship and movement from one to the other.
Have you ever been in a crowd, noticed someone that you haven’t met yet, and kept being drawn to them? For some reason you just pay attention to them. Their faces and actions stick out in the midst of a crowd. That was true for me one morning at church when I noticed Jennette. I didn’t think much about it until later that day. I was in my driveway and I saw her again, bringing to mind the memory of noticing her earlier that day at church. She and her husband were getting out of a car across the street at my neighbor's house. My husband and I walked across the street. Our neighbors introduced us to Jennette and her husband, Josh. Apparently Josh is the grandson of my neighbors. Random? Maybe. Jennette and I were now experiencing the first stage of friendship. We were acquaintances.
Very soon after, I showed up at my church community group and saw Jennette. In that group we start to have more and more conversations with each other about life and our faith. We got to know each other as two people in a small group and moved from acquaintances to casual friends, the second stage of friendship. I recall one evening that we were talking about our lives and I mentioned that I am an early riser. I liked to run 3-5 miles before going to work at 7 am. Jennette laughed out loud and called me "crazy" (she might’ve said "that’s crazy"). She clearly thought I was like a rare bird or alien for getting up in the morning for a 5 a.m. run. I vividly recall her saying she "would never do that".
The length of time has blurred so I don’t know how much time passed. But I would say within a few weeks of her comment, Jennette and I were running together at 5 AM.
During those runs we got to know each other even better. There’s something about running in the morning in the dark that allows you to open up in ways that you might not in a crowded room with the lights on. Jennette and I shared stories about our life and what we wanted. Being in a small group together allowed us to have deeper conversations, learn to trust one another, and to recognize our common interests and beliefs. Between the community group and running, our friendship grew from casual friends to close friends.
A short time later Jennette shared that she was pregnant. This and a few other factors meant we stopped running together. But because of our shared values and a business opportunity, we started working together. During the several years that we worked together Jennette and I talked daily. There was always some work situation or question or idea or event that gave us an opportunity to talk or be together. As you can imagine the occasions that we talked about work extended. We talked about everything else, furthering our connection and friendship. As colleagues we also traveled together. We would go on work adventures and spend time together regularly to “work”. Along the way our families became friends too. Then we started to travel together as families. This extended time, conversations, and shared interests moved us from close friends to best friends.
As time moved on we no longer worked together. Our friendship was still strong, but because we talked less and spent less time together, there were times when we felt disconnected. Neither of us liked the situation. We talked about it and the pain the disconnection caused. It was awful. For years, we had to be more intentional and nurture our friendship, but it was not the same level of interaction. When we were together it was great. We just weren’t together often enough for either of our liking.
Then Jennette had a great idea for a business. So we started a new business which created a reason to spend more time together. As partners we again have lots of occasions to interact. When I call her to talk about a business situation, I can hear her children in the background which makes me inquisitive and engaging with her about her family life. She can then reach out to me and ask me about my life. This means that we talk about much more than the business decision that needs to be made. It is a beautiful thing to have this connection and reasons to interact daily. In some ways the times where we were busy working on different projects that had no crossover could be described as a friendship drought. A friendship drought occurs when circumstances conspire to keep you away from a person or people.
Using my friendship with Jennette as an example we can see the stages of friendship that she and I passed through. With stages of friendship you may pass through all of them or you may land at one of them and stay there. It is also possible to move backwards through the stages. A myriad of circumstances affect this and spending time dwelling on why a friendship is at a particular stage is not helpful. You can accept the reality of it. Or if there’s something at your disposal to move yourself from one stage to another, then by all means do so. I have included some general description of each stage. Also, the table below can help you see where your friendships are at and help to be intentional to move to another stage.
What is an acquaintance?
An acquaintance is someone you just met. Likely you know very little about them. Maybe you noticed them at church or at a restaurant. Or maybe you see them in the driveway of your neighbor. With an acquaintance there is no trust established yet. You use small talk to get to know one another and take steps to become casual friends.
What is a casual friend?
A casual friend is someone that you have met and are getting to know. This may be someone that you work with or that you met through mutual friends. Maybe you go to a community group with them and you’re just learning who they are. You might socialize with them on occasion. You may share small snippets of your personal life with them but most of your conversations are surface level and topical. You are assessing each other, building trust, and moving toward a deeper connection to become close friends.
What is a close friend?
A close friend is someone who you know moderately well and who you trust in one or a few areas of your life. Regardless of where you initially met, you now spend time together engaged in shared activities. A close friend is someone you can talk to about important issues. She knows parts of your story about specific segments of your life - possibly about parenting, marriage, faith, or work. A close friend is learning more about who you are in all areas of your life to become a best friend.
What is a best friend?
A best friend is someone who knows you well and who you trust highly. You have probably been close friends over a long period of time, growing closer in most areas of your life. You have common interests, shared values, and similar perspectives, although you can talk reasonably about any differences. You know a best friend has your back and accepts you for who you are. A best friend wants only the best for you. She isn’t envious or jealous but celebrates your wins. A best friend loves you deeply. You can talk to a best friend anytime, anywhere, and about anything. A best friend knows your past and present and also knows what you want for your future.
What is the difference between a best friend and a close friend?
One question people often ask is to define the difference between a close friend and a best friend. Close friends share one area of your life while a best friend shares all areas. Close friends share some common values while a best friend shares most of your values. Close friends know about aspects of your life while a best friend knows most or all aspects of your life. Close friends share a season of your life while a best friend shares your life for the long haul. Close friends may know about your past or your present while best friends know your past, present, and your future.
The stages of friendship have some crossover with key differentiating factors being the intensity and time. There is a subjective and flexible line between stages. This table will help you to be honest about your friendships and to know the type of friendship you desire more of in your life.
Created by Karla Osorno Oct 2021All people are valuable
People are not numbers and my words and this table are only for reflection. In no way am I discounting any person. All people are valuable. Because humans have limitations with energy and time, it is wise to consider your friendships periodically, make some decisions and a plan, pray and put yourself out there. Some of your actions will be conscious and most won’t. Friendships happen most often organically and naturally. Close friends and best friends don’t start out that way. With attention and effort over time, you will see that genuine connection happens. Think about who your close friends are and you will see what I mean.
“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” Woodrow Wilson, 1919