What Scares You?

Whether it's ghosts or goblins, Disney or Marvel, pirates or fairies, or Sonny or Cher, thousands will dress up in costumes on the last day of October in honor of Halloween. Decorations will adorn every surface of houses and offices, inside and out. Sweet treats will be on the offering before October 31st and after. People will make their preferences known between cute and scary - from costumes to snacks to decor. Many will intentionally seek out creepy and scary settings from haunted houses to hair-raising corn mazes to other spine-chilling locales that bring a thrill. Others, like me, will enjoy Halloween for the hot chocolate, neighborly conversations, and cute children dressed as adorable animals. Whatever your bent and preferences for Halloween, on any given day all of us have one thing in common. We know what it is like to feel fear. 

What do you fear? 

If you are like me you may not have given time or thought to what you fear. But when you are asked “What scares you?” you may be able to list a few or many things. When I asked around to friends and family, here are some of the responses.

Something that scares me is everyone dying right before my eyes. Everyone I love, everyone I spend time with everyday all being gone within seconds. Losing those I love scares me, but I guess the loneliness I would feel terrifies me as well.

One thing that scares me is losing my family.

Mice are scary to me. Recently I saw one scamper across the floor and I couldn’t step on the floor until my husband arrived and put out a trap. Spiders I can handle, but mice are scary. I think it’s because mice are hidden from view and destructive. And it’s also because I fear they will surprise me while I am sleeping. I don’t like surprises or the unexpected. I feel unsafe knowing there are mice in my space.

Lots of things scare me - having hard conversations, hearing bad news, health crises, fear of rejection or abandonment. 

Failure scares me. Success scares me. Not being enough in both failure or success is frightening.

Feeling fear is normal and something all humans experience. As you read the above responses some of them may resonate with you. And you will have your own unique responses.

Noticing what you fear can invite you to know what you value. Being curious and asking why you are afraid points you to the people and states of being that help you to feel secure. You can’t control everything or even most things. Yet understanding what you value can help you to appreciate and be present to those people and experiences that are in front of you.   

Humans desire to be seen, soothed, safe, and to belong. Our fears often stem from the opposite of these states of being. Knowing what scares you is helpful. If you don’t know then another way to know is to pay attention to what fear feels like in your body. 

What does fear feel like?

For me fear feels like unease in my body, most often showing up as anxiety causing me to want to control something or someone. Sometimes it feels like a flush that comes over my entire body with heat, like a fever. When I feel that I will notice that I am sweating, with a distinct scent (I like scent better than odor). I’ve talked before about fight, flight, or freeze and what I notice happens for me.

When I am experiencing fear I don’t always notice how my body is reacting. It’s only later that I can process what I experienced. This processing happens with intentional solitude and thought or when a safe and loving friend asks me questions. Over time I have learned how my body responds to different kinds of fear.

Your body (and mine) reacts to situations automatically, before you have time to have a thought about it. You don’t consciously consider the trigger to fear until well after your body has broken into a sweat or frozen or fled or fought or any other reaction. 

Answers to what fear feels like may come immediately to you or they may come over time as you process and reflect. You can gain insights that will be helpful in recognizing fear and will help you to feel and move through fear. Ideally this will be done in community.

Who do you share your fears with? 

Stuffing our emotions is unhealthy. Science is catching up with what we all have known from our own personal experiences. 

Alison Cook in her book with Kimberly Miller called Boundaries for Your Soul: How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies calls those parts of us that we don’t want to acknowledge exiles. Often an exiled part of us is dealing with fear. Other parts of us - managers and protectors according to Cook and Miller - cover for or take action that doesn’t allow integration and can cause unwanted behaviors in our present. This means that bringing our fear (and other emotions) to light in community means we can grow in understanding those exiled parts of ourselves and be more whole.

Sharing your fears with trusted people leads to healing. You may be feeling like you don’t have people who you can trust with your fears. Developing these relationships can take time. There are many ideas and options available for you. At The Commons, you will find many of those ideas and also people who you can meet and practice friendship and trust. It is my mission that you would find your community and grow your impact. I will keep talking about this because it matters. For now, identify what scares you, recognize what fear feels like in your body, and identify who you can share your fears with.