What Stops Women from Talking about What Matters

One of the most common things I hear—whether via email, on the podcast, or in real life conversations—is that women are not talking about things that matter to them. Social media would have you believe everyone is effortlessly moving through life having thoughtful conversations and daily sipping coffee or wine with friends. Each week on the podcast, my guest is a real life or everyday woman telling her story about her life and navigating relationships. Real life women share a different story.

Real life women talk of being surrounded by people yet still feeling alone. They say that too much social media makes them feel less than, envious, and isolated. They say they miss deep conversation and having a “best friend” to share their thoughts, feelings, and insecurities with. They say they don’t talk to other women as often or as deeply as they want to. They say they want things to be different and don’t know where to start.

So what stops you from talking and how can you start talking to other women about the things that matter to you? Is it one of these three common reasons - hurts, disappointments, or busyness?

Hurts

A big thing women say to me is that they have been hurt by people in the past that they thought were close friends. Hurts stop you from talking to other women about what matters to you. The hurt can be a misunderstanding or personal attack. Friend’s words and behaviors make you sad or frustrated or angry. Then because you are unable to talk through the situation and ask questions, clarity and understanding do not follow.  If you can’t resolve the problem, your mind replays  the situation over and over and the story takes on a life of its own.  The initial hurt grows and becomes bitterness and resentment.  The hurt makes you build walls and not want to allow friends to come inside. Or you make a vow in response to your hurt.  A vow is a strong statement of what you will never do again, like be vulnerable and talk about what matters.  And you are pretty good at keeping the vows you make. Those hurts which have grown into vows or walls stop you from talking to others in ways that are vulnerable and deepen connection.

Disappointments

As you move about the world interacting with people and being in relationship, it is natural to develop expectations about how you want to be treated and what you desire from others. You communicate your expectations out loud and they are ignored or you leave your expectations unstated. Both situations lead to problems. Either the other person doesn’t know what you expect or your expectations are in flux and unclear even to you. When inevitably your expectations are not met you experience disappointment. Talking with the person, asking questions, and listening can resolve the situation. Since that is hard, you keep your disappointments inside. Then you dwell in your disappointment and it grows becoming a new story about how you are misunderstood and the friendship wasn’t as strong as you once thought.

Busyness

Going through the pandemic I know I had many conversations with my friends about how different the calendar would look when we were able to go back to normal. Now we are back to normal and my calendar is just as full as it ever was. I’m guessing yours looks the same. It is unpopular to say “I’m just so busy” in response to the “how are you” question. People are tired of hearing that response so you don’t say it anymore but in reality nothing about your calendar has changed. You are just as busy as you always were. The reality is your full calendar and busyness is stopping you from talking to people in a deep way. You don’t feel like you have the time or are anxious and scattered.

Hurts, disappointments, and busyness all play a role in building walls. These walls stop us from talking to people in deep and meaningful ways. For you it is likely one of the three reasons or some combination of the three. Before you can start talking, you can identify which of these reasons is stopping you from talking with your close friends (or maybe even having close friends). You have experienced being hurt by another person or being disappointed by someone or filling our days up to the point of exhaustion. You have been or are in a season where this is your reality. If the situation goes on unresolved, the impact to your relationships will be significant and detrimental.

How to Start Talking

Hurts, disappointments, and busyness are broad categories and often requires reflection, deep work, or exploration. Certainly they warrant conversations between two people or small groups and can’t be solved in an online post. By telling you the reasons here, my hope is to bring awareness and invite you to talk. With the recognition you can create space to heal and start engaging in more meaningful conversations. Talking is a bridge to heal and talking is also the reward. When you heal, then prioritizing and pressing into conversations can happen more readily. Conversations lead to deeper connection. Connection is a common need for humanity.

Are you stuck and living with unresolved hurts, disappointments, or busyness? You don’t have to stay stuck with feelings of not being able to talk about what matters to you. If you need more community support as you process and move forward, The Commons is here for you. Join The Commons as together we explore ways to resolve hurts, disappointments, and busyness - not for the sake of patting ourselves on the back - but for the sake of conversations, connection, and community. It’s worth it. You are worth it. At The Commons with Karla we come alongside you to build your connections and grow your impact. Stop wishing for more meaningful conversations and move toward community where you can heal, practice, and grow to have deeper connection.